After providing over 15,000 hours in session and speaking, I recognize that… “You’re much stronger and more empowered than you think you are…”
How your NEED to be liked can push love away.
How needing to be liked is the very reason you’re NOT loved.
Are you pushing love away by trying to be a pleaser? Are you someone who is always trying to be cool? Trying to be liked can cost you the love of your life – your soul mate. Accommodating isn’t the answer, and yet so many have tried it in vain, hoping to be liked, and even more hoping to be loved.
Join Sarah and I in a real life talk about creating a romantic relationship. (Whether you’re in one or you’re not) A candid view of helping yourself to create the love of your dreams by doing just one thing. Very few actually practice this simple principal. Those who do open themselves to truly be loved for who they genuinely are.
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Episode 060 of True Connections with Weston Jolly
Transcription: How your need to be liked can push away love.
Weston Jolly: [00:00:07] I am Western Jolly, your host.
Weston Jolly: [00:00:45] Hello, everybody and thank you again for joining us for true connections with Western Jolly, again, I have a very beautiful special guest with me this afternoon. And we’re going to talk about relationships. But before we get there, would you like to introduce yourself?
Sarah Jolly: [00:01:00] Well, hello, does anyone recognize my voice? Of course they do. Speaking of relationships, it is Weston’s daughter.
Weston Jolly: [00:01:09] Sarah Jolly. And certainly I thought that it would be really fun to talk about relationships in the context of romantic relationships. And of course, Valentine’s Day is coming up very soon. And sometimes there’s an emphasis that we, of course, want to get closer towards a partner and sometimes we don’t know what to do to accomplish that. So I thought we’d have a free forum. Just dialogue about relationships specific to romance.
Sarah Jolly: [00:01:36] Yep. Yeah. Today we’re not having lunch. Today we’re having tea time. You and I are drinking tea. And we are going to spill the tea on relationships.
Weston Jolly: [00:01:47] That sounds good. So in a relationship that you would consider romantic, do you feel that you are your self most of the time?
Sarah Jolly: [00:01:56] In the one I’m in currently. Yes. Yes. OK. Was it like that before? Never. OK.
Weston Jolly: [00:02:03] So what happened? This is part of our, I think when we start to look at relationships, especially romantic relationships. For I let you talk, hold on for a second. Sometimes we go into a role or an act or we present ourselves in a certain way in the idea that if we do these kinds of things even during Valentine’s Day, that if we do certain kinds of things then that deems us a good romantic partner. And you know what? It’s my observation in a way that most people are really, really drawn to another when we’re being ourselves.
Sarah Jolly: [00:02:34] Yes. Yes. Always. Hey, you want me to comment on that? Oh, yeah, sure. OK. So a little background. So I’m 33 years old.
Sarah Jolly: [00:02:46] I’m currently in a two year relationship with my sole partner and love of my life. But previously, I think it’s so funny that you’re talking about feeling like you need to be a certain person to be with someone.
Sarah Jolly: [00:03:06] So I carried that. My dating life before this and I was a serial monogamist. So in a relationship, out of one, in the next one, out of one, so I would label myself in the past as the cool girl. And that’s how I always wanted to come across. And I thought that that’s part of what made me desirable. And even part of what made me lovable.
Sarah Jolly: [00:03:34] And so when Valentine’s Day came around, I’d be like, oh, whatever, whatever.
Sarah Jolly: [00:03:41] Because the guys I was dating there were like like men, men like meat, football, beer, and they’re like yuk flowers. That’s so stupid. Did you know that flowers are like two hundred dollar mark up just for Valentine’s Day? And I’m not going out to pay for a dinner on Valentine’s Day, that’s just some commercialized bullshit thing. Almost unromantic, right? So unromantic. But I’m cool girl in this relationship. Right? So I was like, oh, that’s cool.
Sarah Jolly: [00:04:10] That’s totally me too. That. Yeah. How dumb. I love you every day of the week. Real talk. Valentine’s Day is one of my top three favorite holidays. I did not know that. Right? I absolutely love Valentines Day. Well, tell me why. OK. Well, I’m Pisces and emotional and creative. And I think that Valentine’s Day is so beautiful. What it says, just celebrating love. And I know that it really gets put through a funnel into like, am I with someone or am I not with someone. Yes, I want talk about that, too. Yeah. But really, that isn’t for me, what it’s about.
Sarah Jolly: [00:04:50] Like, I remember getting like cards from kids in school and just feeling like it’s a really fun day where people don’t think about themselves and they think about other people. Now, I think that’s really sweet. And then in my. . .
Sarah Jolly: [00:05:04] I want to say, like my late 20s, you probably because you saw these like excuse my language.
Sarah Jolly: [00:05:11] Well, I shouldn’t say, I was going to say dickheads, but these like these guys that they’re just boys, OK? They’re not terrible. I have a lot of respect for. . . this is Dad. Can I call them out? Yeah.
Sarah Jolly: [00:05:20] Like I have a lot of respect for my exes, but you probably have different thoughts. Clearly.
Sarah Jolly: [00:05:26] I feel like I going to have to scrap this whole section and clear my name from this record, but I don’t know if.
Sarah Jolly: [00:05:32] Well, I’m curious now. I don’t know if you saw the way that I felt like I got kind of ignored year after year on Valentines.
Sarah Jolly: [00:05:40] Also, to be fair, though I was always in a relationship, I seemed to always be single on Valentine’s Day. And so it kind of had this buildup for me of like like I want to be that girl who gets the flowers. And you started bringing me roses every year on Valentine’s Day. And of course, you do that for Mom and you would. You started in my 20s kind of mid to late 20s.
Sarah Jolly: [00:06:08] You would either bring me roses or I think one time you had them delivered.
Sarah Jolly: [00:06:13] And there was always this really sweet note and.
Sarah Jolly: [00:06:18] It started to paint a picture in my head of what I really wanted cause like I’m not trying to be creepy, like I want to date my dad. No, right. But like.
Sarah Jolly: [00:06:27] But, you know, I do think you get that pattern from your parents. And I think the relationship that you have with your opposite sex parent plays a big role in a romantic relationship. Well, yes, it is.
Sarah Jolly: [00:06:42] And you doing that allowed me to finally accept about myself that I do fricking love that stuff. I think it’s so wrong. I don’t get flowers ever. You know, it’s like a special thing. And so anyways, so here I’m coming out of the closet. I flaming love Valentine’s Day. And so that was a long way around to answer your question in myself, my relationship now. Yes, absolutely. And I love.
Sarah Jolly: [00:07:13] That now that I’m finally comfortable saying, yes, I’m a girl that loves flowers, sure. And yes, I’m still low maintenance and chill girl. But yeah, I love flowers and that doesn’t make me crazy. And my partner, he’s gotten me flowers from like day one. He’ll send them for whatever reasons or sweet little nothings.
Weston Jolly: [00:07:34] And by the way, as a dad, you know, in terms of observing that, it just means everything to me that someone would take the time to really see you in the same way that I would. Of course, not romantically, but the depth of our relationship and someone else seeing and valuing that too just means everything to me. And course, that’s the point of not just the flowers, but that kind of connection.
Sarah Jolly: [00:07:56] That’s what I was gonna say. I don’t want it to sound shallow like I have to have flowers. Right. But for me, it is a love language and I really connect with nature. And there’s something about life, fresh flowers, that is really endearing. And also my love languages and notes and cards. So like for my birthday, my favorite thing to get is a card. And I like the flowers always come with a note. So. So yeah, it’s so much more than like someone else’s thing might be coffee and someone elses thing might be none of that, or a massage, or a movie or something. Yeah. It’s kind of like reading whatever that love language is.
Sarah Jolly: [00:08:32] But if I was never open.
Sarah Jolly: [00:08:36] I was so sure that I would be rejected if I was really just myself in my relationships.
Weston Jolly: [00:08:44] You know, let me let me interrupt with that, because I think a lot of people are. I think there’s a lot of conditioning that sometimes people are conscious of. And I’m speaking of both sexes, enter into a relationship with a poised external self-esteem of what I should look like, or how I should how I should be successful or beautiful or even our body types at that moment. And you know what? Those things are important to the degree that they are. But it’s really about the connection that we have with one another. And I was going to say a moment ago that most of us aren’t necessarily putting forth a thought with regards to a desire of the kind of relationship that we want. Meaning that most people are just accepting whatever, quote unquote shows up. And this is part of the act.
Weston Jolly: [00:09:31] Well, you know, he does give me flowers every couple years, which is very different than someone who’s extremely attentive and attentive beings being aware, being aware of you, your needs, your desires. And, you know, I’d have to share this with you as if you don’t know, but you’re a very, very romantic person. Yeah, very. So if someone didn’t connect with you, not just for Valentine’s Day, but all of the time like that, in one sense you’re missing something, now, that would be judged by Dad. But that’s not really my place. But to see you engage in that kind of space and to choose or co-create a partnership in that kind of way. Well, of course, that’s something you want to have, not just for the day, but as you said a moment ago, all of the time. Yeah. But I think the the focused attention on what we want and again, we create the kinds of relationships that we put forth as our desires. And if we’re not putting a thought towards that, then we’re coexisting. We’re getting along, but we may not be as tight or connected or romantically inclined as we want to be. And a lot of times I hear this, especially from women. There’s a great desire for romance. And it’s almost like it’s it’s your move. Meaning as the guy that, you know, you’re you’re the one that has to to make the move. I do all the romantic things in this relationship. And, you know, I’m kind of wincing into that because I know that some men may or may not exercise that as a thought, but it’s not just about one party versus the other.
Sarah Jolly: [00:11:01] Meaning it’s not a conditional thing, you know, can I jump in on that? Yeah, please. Okay. And I’m gonna I’m going to cross lines here probably for a lot of people listening. But look, I’ve a very open relationship with my family. I would say that, gosh, I don’t like say for all women, but in my experience and with my girlfriends, I’ll say that, that when it comes down to I’m waiting for you to make the next move, I want you to surprise me with blah blah blah. It is the same as, and I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, but it is the same as being in bed and expecting someone to please you. But you have given them no roadmap for how to do that.
Sarah Jolly: [00:11:43] It’s not that your guy doesn’t want to please you, whether it’s in bed or whether it’s romancing you.
Sarah Jolly: [00:11:49] If they don’t have, like the desire could be there, you could have the desire to drive the car. Sure. But if they’re just dropped off in the middle of the desert, they’re just gonna start driving around and you’re like, well, how come you didn’t turn left? We didn’t tell them that what you want.
Sarah Jolly: [00:12:04] And especially, and I do think a lot of women are trying to become someone for their partner. And so I think that’s where that angst comes in. I’m this quote, I do everything for you, right? Isn’t technically all the shit you’re really doing for them that they even want. Right. That typically means is I am not being myself for you. Right. The least you could give me back is flowers or sub in whatever your thing is. And I think that that’s where a lot of that kind of angst comes from. But in order to really get what you want, you have to know yourself. That’s why I brought up the bedroom reference, because I think everyone’s really familiar with that. But if you don’t know what’s pleasurable to yourself, how are you going to tell someone else who’s . . . you? Maybe you have a willing and eager guy or girl who’s ready to be there for you. And they go, Yeah, what do you want?
Sarah Jolly: [00:12:59] Frozen? I don’t know.
Sarah Jolly: [00:13:00] I don’t know because I haven’t been myself in this relationship for so long. You know what I mean? So, you know, it’s like putting a lot on someone else when you haven’t done your own work. That’s what I found for myself. And it’s true.
Weston Jolly: [00:13:12] And I think you’re seeing a lot from a woman’s perspective, even personally. And I acknowledge that just.
Sarah Jolly: [00:13:16] Yeah. Sorry for any unsubscribes that just happened in the last two minutes.
Weston Jolly: [00:13:21] I don’t think that’s the case.
Weston Jolly: [00:13:22] I think there’s a beauty in just being that open, because I think that people really do want to get close to one another. But if someone’s putting on an act and there’s an expectation outside the act like someone’s supposed to do something, but they haven’t been exposed to the idea what it is that you want, from a male perspective, how are we supposed to know? Meaning you’ve never declared that. You’ve never told me. You’ve never and I’m supposed to be, quote, intuitively understand that? In my world I kind of am. So in that sense, I have maybe an advantage, but a lot of guys don’t. And it’s not that they’re idiots as much as they need some direction. Now, the guys, too, from my perspective as a guy, need to declare what they want as well. I mean, I’ve had guys, grown men, very successful, ask me some pretty basic questions. I mean, like sixth grade, seventh grade questions in terms of what it’s like to actually be yourself in a relationship or even something as simple as what is love. And and yet they’ve had, of course, zillions of girlfriends and sexual encounters, but not necessarily something that would be really deep. And it’s like dancing to the music, but not necessarily feeling it. Meaning you can see the beat. Yeah. But they’re very awkward. And so that can be done in relationship, of course, in bed. And a lot of other places that create this distance, then something that I feel that most people, which is both sides, males and females, they really want, to really be known. You know, to draw together closely. And so, you know, as you’re doing right now, Sarah. Being that open is incredible. And of course, that is being you. Now some people find that, shall we say, difficult because they’ve never tried that within their own self. And then therefore, to do it outside of themselves, especially in a relationship, is like, oh, my God, I can’t do that. Because if I do, if I’m that nice, in terms you’ve heard this forever, spiritually naked.
Weston Jolly: [00:15:14] Yeah. I knew you were gonna say. I won’t do any hand gestures in the studio, but in a state of openness, there is an exposure that we have.
Weston Jolly: [00:15:24] And then the ideas, of course this is ego or shell, that Oh, she won’t like me. That if I expose myself in this kind of way, being my real self, that if she doesn’t like that, then man, I am screwed. Hundred percent. And yet there’s something so beautiful about being comfortable with yourself first. Yeah. To be able to exhibit that naturally by just being with that other party. You know, let me be in a role here for a moment. To me, some of the most beautiful intimacy in relationships is just being able to sit with somebody. Yeah, meaning without the TV, without flowers, without anybody in know your ear, just reading. I mean, just sitting on the couch. And then there’s there’s this energy, this vibe that can take place that we’re just nourishing one another, but we’re not necessarily touching or doing anything, just sitting. Right. And yet there’s something really profound about that, because there’s a spark of desire that’s being, that comes through the body that you can feel that in your connection with yourself and the other party. And it just feels like, God, was that so good. And all we did was, you know, sit in the car from here to Sedona or something, or had some sparse communication. There’s an intimate silence which is different than, I wonder what he’s thinking now.
Sarah Jolly: [00:16:43] I’ve had the other kind, which is? I was with a more again, men personality, and I’m just joking.
Sarah Jolly: [00:16:54] I love men. I love men. And to be honest, I love my ex’es.
Sarah Jolly: [00:16:57] Yeah, but like, you know, totally different personality, right? Like I’m on on this podcast, for heaven’s sakes, talking about things very openly that a lot of people won’t even talk about with their partners. True. Let alone Dads. Yeah. And so this guy grew up with like brothers, and like we don’t talk about emotions or anything. And so I was like. Oh, just so in love with him.
Sarah Jolly: [00:17:22] And we would have these silences that were so silent and it didn’t feel comfortable. You know, they say like, like you’re saying, like having those comfortable silences, like our connection is so deep we can sit in silence with each other. Yes. Yes. Even though it might sometimes feel uncomfortable to tap into that within yourself, it’s not uncomfortable in the fact of, we just have nothing to say to each other. And so we would just sit there in these long ass silences. And he, probably thought that it was totally normal, because he grew up in a family where that’s what they do. Right. And I’m like, my family validates each other through conversation.
Sarah Jolly: [00:17:59] And this is very uncomfortable for me.
Sarah Jolly: [00:18:02] But, you know, if you allow yourself to stay open in any situation, I think you can learn and grow from it. Sure. And in that particular one, I ended up learning about myself that I do like to be validated through communication and verbally. Sure. And so I learned about myself that you can sit and not know how someone feels about you.
Sarah Jolly: [00:18:25] And I’ll let me tell you, I met six people in his family and they were all the same way.
Sarah Jolly: [00:18:30] And we would just sit in silence together, it’s like watching a game or something or something like that. But, you mean six people of his family? His family. Oh, yeah. Brother’s, Mom, cousins, nephews. Like all the same? Yeah. And like, and I think it’s fine to not talk and watch TV. You know, that’s fine. Sure. But when you have it, when you only see someone once a year sitting right next to them, this is your one time to see them that year. And no one’s even talking to you.
Sarah Jolly: [00:18:55] In my mind, I’d like to. They like me. Did they not like me? And it goes back to that thing of like, who should I be for them? And this really exposed that for me. And I’m so grateful for this relationship. It exposed my own internal tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick of like, how do I put on what I need to put on for you if you’re not telling me who you want me? Oh wow.
Sarah Jolly: [00:19:18] And so I would challenge myself. I’d be like family day. Yes. Like with grit teeth. Here we go. And I would sit there and I’d say, no matter how uncomfortable this is, I’m gonna write my own story because just because they’re being silent, you don’t know that they don’t like you. Right. I’m the bubbly girl that the family’s always like in this hall. And that’s part of my ego and my persona that makes me feel comfortable here. And so I would challenge myself to go sit there and say, no ones gonna interact with you. And that doesn’t have to mean they don’t like you unless you decide it means that. So I’d sit there and tell myself fun things. Oh, they love you. Oh, this person thinks you’re funny. Oh, that person thinks you’re beautiful. That person has no opinion of you at all. And I’d start playing with that in my head. Sure. And and it really helped kind of heal that in me, to be honest.
Weston Jolly: [00:20:07] And you’re kind of getting something I want to talk about very specifically, which is, it’s my observation. I’ll put it that way as an invitation to everybody that all of our relationships.
Weston Jolly: [00:20:18] romantic, of course, and then even the relationship that we have as father and daughter and, you know, all of us have other kinds of relationships that they are absolute reflections of us. The reason sometimes these are these relationships are so tough. If I can use the term is because we don’t want to see something in this other party, my romantic partner that they are reflecting back. Now that can be hard, of course, in a can actually be the most beautiful thing in the world. If we are open to that, that that party isn’t holding bricks and glass and, you know, nails with an intention to act like that’s their whole job as maybe Mom or Dad or someone else did and or our past or even previous relationships, we have to, shall we say, re-sort that out so that we can again declare what we want and then really get used to the idea that this state of openness, I mean, just being that open energetically, emotionally, certainly verbally. As you said before, telling others, an intimate partner the roadmap in terms of you use the term love language, I think is very important. How would someone know? I mean, I know what my love language would be. And yet if my partner didn’t. It’s not my job to tell her, but I would be very interested in sharing that. Only to date, meaning to figure out how compatible we are so that it would be something that would be, shall we say, understood. And hopefully it’s not a chore. Oh, my God. This is what I have to do for Weston and terms of speaking in his language. But rather that it is something that she would enjoy to do in the same way that I would do that.
Sarah Jolly: [00:21:51] And who doesn’t like talking about themselves, honestly? You know, who doesn’t like getting what they want? So when it’s difficult, it’s only difficult because you are scared of what could happen. Someone could leave me. It’s not that it’s actually difficult.
Sarah Jolly: [00:22:12] Like imagine sitting in a room of people who all have the same thoughts and beliefs as you do. Sure, it usually energizes someone. I’m energized, because they get me, I’m understood. So that’s usually not the part that’s it’s not difficult to say what you want. That’s never a chore. It only becomes a chore because of all the burden feelings that can come with it. What if what if this person leaves me and then the entire, you know, stack of cards falls?
Weston Jolly: [00:22:39] But I do think that there’s a lot of people that are concerned or even overtly concerned to express themselves. What I will say their true self with somebody else, because number one they’ve never practiced that, two,
Weston Jolly: [00:22:54] they have never, shall we say, experimented with what could be the reaction, which is usually, this is dangerous. I mean, this isn’t safe. And why would we do that, especially with somebody close because they could hurt you the deepest. Yeah. If you look at people who go north and south in terms of splitting up or divorce, oftentimes those things become emotional craters of the deepest kind. Because someone has the intimate knowledge of what took place with that other party, and we’re somehow going to go put it on a billboard someplace and God can that be painful. And yet, you know, if that’s the nature of the relationship, we can see a lot about each party that would be willing to, you know,go advertise the whole world that this is what this party did. When we have a deep respect for ourselves, there’s not that tendency, even if we’re going north and south, it’s not, I don’t need to expose to the world what’s going on?
Sarah Jolly: [00:23:48] You got something? You know, I’m just kind of laughing because as you’re saying that this has been building in my mind. What?
Sarah Jolly: [00:23:53] Just to be clear, I’m saying some things in jest. And I am a very open person and I find a lot of comedy in life. But just to be fair and put this out there. Oh, boy. I have complete and utter respect for every person I’ve ever been with, including including really horrendous relationships. Yeah. Yeah. Or experiences with people. Sure. So I just want to say that, too, because I completely agree with what you’re saying. It’s really about you.
Sarah Jolly: [00:24:28] And even the most horrendous, horrendous shit can be the biggest opener in your life. And I think this is probably why I’ve been drawn to relationship after relationship is, I think it’s one of the best like tools for growth. I use use that term, too. Yeah.
Sarah Jolly: [00:24:50] As long as you challenge yourself to stay open, it completely breaks my heart to hear a friends or other people say, well, or even in dating.
Sarah Jolly: [00:25:03] Oh, man. People were like, well, I’ve been hurt before. So I’ve got all these walls up right then. I don’t think you’re getting the point because it’s going to suck. You’re going to meet people that are different from you and you’re going to reveal yourself to them. And they are going to say, not for me.
Sarah Jolly: [00:25:21] I wrote down, I read. I was like trying to find the love of my life, right. I’m like, okay, I want love so bad. And I was totally that girl. And I read somewhere that if you write down a list of all the things that you want. I’m a big fan. You’re more like, it was probably you that told me this. So I got on my iPhone and I was like, okay, what he looks like, what his personality is like, what his spirit is like. What I mean, I went on and on, and I was dating this guy that I was so infatuated with.
Sarah Jolly: [00:25:55] And I thought at the time he was way out of my league, like he was so infatuated with me. And I was like, what’s happening? The universe said yes to me finally. Oh, my God, this is amazing.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:07] And I’m just like. Day by day we’re like, wow, can you believe we found each other? No. Can you? Wow, wow, wow. And so I go.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:14] I go. You’re a manifestation of this list that I made.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:20] And I was like, it’s really true. You make this list and you draw this person in life like, wow. And he goes, oh, cool. Let me see the list. Have I told you this before?
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:27] No. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord. I’m I’m I’m a big fan of. Oh, I am like on this high.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:34] Showing him this list thinking like this is it. Our babies are gonna be so beautiful. Like I’d like. Oh, I was just so over the moon. I showed him this lesson. He’s reading it quietly. And I’m starting to have that insecurity, where of silence.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:48] And I’m like, oh, things are getting a little quiet. Cricket. How are you doing over there? He goes.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:55] Wow. Sarah and I’m like, wow. I know, I know.
Sarah Jolly: [00:26:58] That was really on. Right. And he kind of and I’m thinking like, you’re seeing yourself in this. And he goes, Wow, this is not me at all, Huh?
Sarah Jolly: [00:27:16] And, he goes, this is not who I am. And he starts pulling things out. Then he goes, This isn’t me. This isn’t me. And I’m explaining. Well, it doesn’t have to be exactly what’s on the list. But but here’s how I see it. And this was me now trying to fit into his version of what . . . because I wanted to hold on. And I look back now. This is probably the only ex that would ever even listen to this podcast.
Sarah Jolly: [00:27:46] If you’re listening and you know who you are, I want you to know things didn’t end super great.
Sarah Jolly: [00:27:51] But I want you to know that that moment meant the most to me. I felt so rejected because essentially off that list, he broke up with me out of the clear blue sky. All right. Literally went from I’m so all about you. Took a trip. Came back from the trip and was like. Things aren’t working out. Bye bye. I was like, what? My heart. And he said, Sarah. I looked at what you wanted and it wasn’t me. And I’m sitting here trying to justify. Oh, but it is. But but we could work on blah, blah, blah. And now I look back on like, wow, that list. I throw it out? Fuck you list. You ruined my life. Now I like that list really did work. And you have to be willing. And I’m thankful for his honesty of not wasting my time. You bet. He, you know, looked at it, said, this isn’t me, honey. Bye-Bye, And I was like, No! But wow, what an amazing human being. So thank you if you’re listening.
Sarah Jolly: [00:28:48] Thank you for what you did because you showed me that it’s okay to actually ask for what I want. And in that situation, I went crawling back and trying to change everything on my list for him. And I thank you for saying no anyways because it was not authentic what I was doing. And in retrospect, it really taught me.
Sarah Jolly: [00:29:11] Yes, someone is gonna read your list one day, or know every little thing about you. And then some. Or know you like flowers on Valentine’s Day, no matter how cheesy that is, and they are going to love you for that. And so. Yeah. The list. It sucks. And it’s great.
Weston Jolly: [00:29:29] No, no, no, no, no, no.
Weston Jolly: [00:29:31] But this is incredible. Because when we put the list forth authentically, number one, and that this isn’t again a show and tell thing that this is something we’re trying to do. This is something we genuinely feel. Yeah, When we do that, then we create something, of course, spiritually and universally. And that’s an incredible thing. But I just point out, of course, you did something wonderful in terms of the learning curve. But, you know, you were trying, which is different than being, to be something else with regards to what it is that you declared. And this is where we get into the space of fooling ourselves. I’ll even say lying to ourselves. And so we have a guy here that’s actually honest enough to say, not me, man. And so he steps away from the list. You could have been devastating, says, fuck that list, as you said before, or we could step further into it, and said, You know what? I really, really need to be at one with this being me. So what I want to share, too, is a part of what we’re doing. That, as we said just a moment ago, that relationships are all about you. Meaning look what you learned in that relationship about you and the pattern that maybe didn’t represent I’ll call it the real you. Oh, a hundred percent. And now I’ll look at you in terms of you saying this is what I want and having more than what’s on your list, which is to me how it should be. You should be continued to be surprised by. Wow, wow. That wasn’t quote on my list. And yet this person shows up and I see shows up not and just, you know, roll call. Hey, Weston, Weston, are you’re here? Yes. No, not that kind of show up, but really being there. Right. And going beyond that, because they really care that thats not just that you like flowers.
Weston Jolly: [00:31:07] What kind of flowers? Can we plant a garden of those kinds of flowers? I mean, what else can we do as your counterpart? You are partnered to participate in that kind of intimacy. And taking the time to know that, not because, you know, someone wrote it in a book or I would say it, but rather that you get in touch with their own self, then theres this move that you can feel.
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:32] I couldn’t agree more. And I think that.
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:36] Part of that is.
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:38] Your soul is so expansive and what your mind
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:45] understands of that is a mere percentage.
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:50] This is my opinion, people not a p_h_d_ in the subject.
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:54] This is my opinion on it, and
Sarah Jolly: [00:31:57] I really think there’s something so magical about saying I’m going to stay open, and that’s what you’re saying this and then some, or this and something better. Right. Cause I can make a list of the things I know, but I’m going to make that list based off of things I’ve already seen, things I’ve already experienced. Very wise Sarah. But I have no idea the other needs of my soul. Right. And that is why I’m calling this person I’m with now, a soul mate for me, because he is bringing things into my life that I didn’t even know that I needed. And they are so fulfilling on such a deep level. And that takes two people being open. Right. You have to be open. And that’s why for me personally, going from one relationship heartbreak, the next relationship heartbreak. I mean, it was hard to not get blocked off. Sure. But I thought, well, why else am I trying to find something else then? Because. If I’m going to stay blocked off, then what’s the point anyway? Right. You know, and and so in staying open, you can get things that you would never even write down on a list. You literally don’t even know that they exist yet.
Sarah Jolly: [00:33:18] And I think that that is some of the beauty of a relationship that goes so beyond like a boy and a girl, or a girl and girl, or boy and a boy, or whatever goes so far beyond the physicality of it. And I’m actually curious for you, because you’ve in a 30, what year relationship? Thirty eight, thirty eight. Wow. Okay. A thirty eight year relationship.
Sarah Jolly: [00:33:50] I have I have a few questions for you.
Weston Jolly: [00:33:52] If you’re open before we get to that, for half a second, I think it’s worthy of sharing that the intimacy, the real intimacy comes in, number one, being open as you described, by being open. Being open with your true self, not an artificial state of openness and then receiving your compliment in the form of seeing what comes before you through this person’s free will to do so, not through an obligatory stance or having to do something. And then the not cultivates this excitement to why we would want to date. So I’ll comment about that, that I wasn’t sure that I could be married in tenure based upon not necessarily finding that kind of connection way back when.
Weston Jolly: [00:34:38] And when I met someone who, you know, captivated me in so many different areas. It kept getting bigger and bigger, bigger. And that’s still true today. There’s still things that I’m finding about her that I did know. And I think of that as dating, even though we’ve known one another for a couple days. But the relationship isn’t based upon time. And even to some degree, I’m not a big fan of making an announcement because people put so much weight on the tenured relationship as if they’re doing it right versus someone who’s only been together for three days. So that the real point is what I want to share is that, the connection is something that you mentioned, and you said it so beautifully and I just wanted to underscored it. That the soul does know. And if we give the soul an opportunity to get in touch, which means that you have to be open enough to do that with yourself first, and then you invite this opportunity. And if it’s not showing up, we do have to be brave enough like this one boyfriend would be, that we jump out, hey, I’m not being me or I’m not being connected with or I’m not continuing to be refreshed or expanded in this relationship.
Weston Jolly: [00:35:46] And if that’s the real truth, I know it’s hard to say that within our own self, let alone externally to, you know, to whoever our partner might be. But there’s something really magical about that. And it’s not about the other party, is it? Again, as much as it is self. And so when we we allow those things to come out of our voice, sometimes there’s is the mind says that’s it, that’s in the relationship, you know. And a lot of times it isn’t, meaning this is another opportunity for growth and expansion. And it’s not trying to stay together as much as we get, shall we say, ourselves out of the way to continue to expand, which is the whole point. Right? To be even more ourselves in intimate relationship. I’m kind of looking at the time and wondering if we might want to kind of circle around a couple of closing questions that you may have or thoughts. Yeah. Go ahead.
Weston Jolly: [00:36:30] Anything. Okay.
Sarah Jolly: [00:36:31] I’m wondering because I’m coming from the standpoint of several relationships, but short. Right?
Sarah Jolly: [00:36:39] And you are coming from a different standpoint with one person. And I am wondering when you’re talking about being open like that, have you found that you just have to do it essentially one time in the beginning, or are you constantly having to unpeel yourself with this person over time?
Weston Jolly: [00:36:55] In my personal experience, it’s been an evolution, at times of revolution, but it’s been an evolution of getting comfortable. Certainly safety is involved, even when you’re quote-unquote acknowledging the relationship. You can still be together for five and 10 years and finally, just letting go or sharing something that maybe you’ve never shared with anybody before. Yeah. And those are. Or, maybe you didn’t even know.
Weston Jolly: [00:37:21] No, I didn’t know. Or maybe she always knew and I didn’t know. Or I mean, like about yourself. No, I know. And there’s something really cool about that. It’s scary as hell. And you can cry and, you know, think that maybe this is the end of the end. And yet there’s, in that openness, there’s again, a form of intimacy. Now, if it’s genuine, there’s a desire to connect. And, you know, we kind of walk around this, but there’s an energy, a soul’s energy, certainly a sexual energy that’s compelling. It’s not that we’re trying to do something with one another as much as theres this continued attraction that we have. Even when we’re distancing ourselves with becoming aware of things that we don’t like within ourselves and pointing at the other person saying, I don’t like this about you when it’s so much easier.
Weston Jolly: [00:38:06] It is. You change first. Or when you do that, then I’ll do that, you know. Right. And it’s like, well, that’s been my experience, never really worked out.
Weston Jolly: [00:38:14] But when we change ourselves, even if the thought is that our partner won’t come along with us. When we go to open ourselves, then there’s this opportunity for them, too, shall we say, their turn, their move. Now, they don’t have to do that. But if they do, it’s a wonderful evolvement of like a teeter totter going up and down. But then back and forth, back and forth, basically reflecting one another in the highest degrees possible. Now, sometimes these intimate relationships come together, which is great, and sometimes they come to a point of, okay. We’ve done this time together and I think we’re good now. And right. And it’s not like we’re somehow going in different directions. And there’s a real love and appreciating all that. But I think the intimacy comes in being ourselves, knowing that we don’t know what we want, oftentimes. So when we put our list together being open enough to be expanded to what takes place and of course you’ve got to know that even if we’re preparing to go in relationship, the more that we’re working on ourselves, it’s not about perfection, but literally giving yourself permission to say this is really who I am. Work in progress. Or maybe. Right, maybe a neophyte in this particular area. But there’s a beauty in that kind of intimacy, especially, well, from both parties. There’s a man to a woman and a woman to a man.
Sarah Jolly: [00:39:34] And I think this can really be true in friendships as well. This can also be true in family. I think anytime that you challenge yourself to open your heart a little bit more. I think you deepen those relationships and your entire life becomes, for a lack of any other word, more lovely. You have more love in it and more love just attracts more love. So whether you’re in a relationship now and you’re expanding there’s always room to expand with. You’re not in one with a partner, who cares? You can you can be opening and expanding that love with the people who are in your life. That’s so beautiful. I just think that’s so beautiful.
Sarah Jolly: [00:40:23] This is why I’m so obsessed with love and and with Valentines Day.
Weston Jolly: [00:40:30] But, you know, I think you’re on to something because even people who are in between relationships or are still wanting to cultivate that special somebody, you know, the soulmate kind of connection, that state of openness is something that comes from within, and we can be conscious about it. In my opinion, the more conscious that we’ve become, the greater that opportunity that you’re light, you know, brings forth . . .
Sarah Jolly: [00:40:51] Go deeper. Yes. Yeah. All more in the deep end, and go deeper.
Weston Jolly: [00:40:54] You know, it’s funny because sometimes, have you ever had a day where you just just feel like everything is perfect? I think going to the gym and my I’ve got all the chemicals from the gym. And I just I was great going in, and it was a great workout. And I come out, and I’m smiling. I’m beaming and everything is perfect. The bank teller, you know, my car, the gas station, I’m having that day today.
Sarah Jolly: [00:41:14] I am. I’m having that day today.
Weston Jolly: [00:41:15] And yet when we’re creating that because we’re that open. And then, of course, what comes back to us is that kind of connection. And when we talked about romantic connection. Exactly, that kind of connection. Now see. that’s not putting on an act. That’s really being your true self because you’re that open to do so. And of course, if we, shall we say practice, or allow that to be consistent, it’s like, wow, that’s the magic.
Sarah Jolly: [00:41:41] You know what I would absolutely say? Wow. Because I used to only think those days were on special days or it was like really all the magical things happen. Like, I go to the car wash and once in a while, someone there will turn to me and be like, I’m going to give you a free detail today. That has happened before. Wow. And then you hit up like my iced tea spot and there’s no line, jackpot. And then, you know, and just boom, boom, boom, things fall into place. And I used to see those as the Wow days. This is a whole nother episode. But I’m recovering from very serious ongoing health issues. And I’ve been learning that the days where you don’t think everything is going for you are just as Wow. And that’s that should be our next tea talk, to be honest.
Weston Jolly: [00:42:27] Let’s do that. Because you can, would you mind? Can I invite you back again? Oh, yeah.
Sarah Jolly: [00:42:32] Because, you know, it just makes you like when you learn that you can have wow all the time. And that really, I mean I’m just painting on that jelly on the bread. But that goes right back to your relationships. You just keep working them. And working is the same as your life. You’re no different from your relationship. What you do in your relationship. They’re the same. So you just keep reworking, reworking, going deeper, deeper, probably sounding like a broken record.
Weston Jolly: [00:42:57] No, no, no, no. In fact, I’m thinking. . . I love this topic.
Weston Jolly: [00:43:00] The whole topic, the whole family, of course, as you know, we’ve been refocusing or putting a lot of dedicated attention on being present. And that’s something that’s in my Magic Of Now booklet. That’s all free for anybody that goes to the website. Just get it, Magic of Now, but in that choice to be present, we create everything. Yeah. So in our relationships, of course, we bring historically, as you said repeatedly, a lot of stuff from the past. Moms and Dads, previous relationships, people, teachers, et cetera. And you know what? We really want to be aware of that.
Sarah Jolly: [00:43:33] Okay. I’m gonna ask you a question. This is open ended. Wes doesn’t know I’m going to ask him this. Wes is new to some social media accounts. He is. Well, he’s been on Facebook for a while. He’s brand new to Instagram.
Sarah Jolly: [00:43:52] And man, is that tough. I know. You’re doing great. I don’t know. Okay. But it’s kind of fun. But it’s all about connection, right?
Sarah Jolly: [00:44:00] That’s a great, easy way to connect. And I know that’s the reason why you’re on there. And yeah connection is your whole entire thing. It is. So I’m wondering if, you can say no if you want, but I’m wondering to celebrate that and Valentine’s Day in this podcast, would you be willing to post in a story that’s something that Wes just learned about this week. What a story is. To post in your story, a ask me anything about relationships and you can answer however many you want. But it could be really helpful to anyone listening or anyone who wants . . . I mean, it is kind of a short format, but you could write a few answers for, you know, whoever comes in or like five or ten or whoever you think would be most helpful.
Weston Jolly: [00:44:49] I think they’ll be incredible. In fact, I will make. That could be awesome. Excellent. I’ll make an absolute commitment to that. So anyone who wants to ask a question ask me anything, which is, of course, in the front of the website as it is now. But if you go to Instagram or even Facebook, Twitter, too, and put forth a question, I will address it. In fact, I’m going to put that in the week of February 14th. I’m not sure what that week is.
Sarah Jolly: [00:45:14] I will show you how to post that on your story. I’ll need help there. That’s great.
Sarah Jolly: [00:45:18] Then you can answer that in your story and it can be, one a great place of community, and I know I always like hearing about what’s going on in other people’s relationships. I always love hearing questions. It always helps me go deeper. Sure. So that’s awesome that you’re going to do that.
Weston Jolly: [00:45:34] Well, and again, I just wanted to share with everybody how grateful I am for you, because I feel very excited to be able to have this honor to share with you. And of course, I do with you, too, Sarah, to be in this place with me and to share with others. But it’s incredible opportunity when we are open enough to share. So I think putting forth our questions in that kind of format I think is phenomenal. So please do if you want to.
Sarah Jolly: [00:45:59] Thank you for having me back.
Weston Jolly: [00:46:00] Oh, you’re welcome. We can do this again, right?
Sarah Jolly: [00:46:03] Yeah. Good. Tea time continues.
Weston Jolly: [00:46:06] Thanks. Lunch for Sarah, but we are past lunchtime time today.
Weston Jolly: [00:46:10] Thank you, everybody, for joining us. And we look forward to talking with you very soon.
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