Find Yourself: Why Is It Hard To See Yourself?

The Struggle of Seeing Yourself

There is a truth that many people struggle to recognize, and that truth is their own self. This doesn’t imply that individuals lack the capacity for self-awareness; rather, they often choose not to engage with it. Instead, they create a fantasy—a concept of self that I refer to as the Shell.

The Shell can be understood as the ego or id, as described by Freud. It gives you the awareness of your identity and your separation from the animalistic aspects of existence. Yet, it also creates a barrier, reinforcing the notion that you are not God. This is the nature of the beast, and grappling with it is central to the journey of finding yourself.

Understanding the Nature of the Shell

This struggle is not a failure, nor are we poorly designed. The Shell, which many associate with consciousness, allows for self-observation. While this is beneficial, it has a fundamental flaw: if you look in the mirror and fail to see the truth about yourself, you may just be witnessing a distorted reflection. Looking in the mirror is a gift; however, imagining what you want to see rather than facing reality can be both funny and tragic, depending on your perspective.

Every day, I look in the mirror and question whether I’m truly seeing myself. I check my teeth, hair, and cleanliness. Often, I assess if I look good. The mirror seems to answer all these questions, but in reality, I’ve been searching for what I want to see—a major obstacle in the pursuit of self-awareness.

This awareness reveals that the mirror serves as a gateway to our imagination, opening doors to whatever we wish to perceive. It’s an escape; we can become anyone we desire. However, I feel frustrated when others look into my mirror and don’t see—or agree to see—my self-image.

Battling for Perception

In this quest for finding yourself, I feel compelled to battle for this perception. If someone doesn’t recognize me as I want to be seen, I feel the need to defend my perceived identity. It may sound amusing, but I carry countless battle scars from what I believed were life-and-death struggles, some of which are still open.

My adversaries aren’t foreign enemies but rather my friends, neighbors, and family. This may seem illogical, but from the perspective of my vanity, it makes sense. If I can’t convince those closest to me of who I think I am, how can I expect anyone else to believe me? This feels unsafe, so I fight.

I battle to present myself as the person I believe I am. Often, I feel forced to make choices against my will to maintain my illusion. Each morning, I wake up afraid that someone will see beyond the facade I’ve created. Ironically, I’ve constructed this very illusion. I’ve chosen to live in and nourish the fantasy of what I am “supposed” to look like.

Childhood Reflections

In my childhood, there were moments when I honestly looked in the mirror. I shared those honest reflections with people around me who imparted their fantasies onto me, hoping I would conform to their expectations. Statements like “You look just like your dad” or “You’re very athletic” were their attempts to shape my identity to fit their Shells and the fantasies they maintained.

Like any other child, I learned to use the mirror as I was taught. However, I was unaware of how I learned to hide from the true reflection it offered. I realize now that if those around me couldn’t uphold their visions of who they were, especially as my caretakers, their world would crumble.

I didn’t want to create discord; I aimed to be a good child, so I chose to see what they wanted me to see. I set aside my true self, believing that accepting the ideal was better than confronting reality. This tendency extended to others in various communities and groups who wanted me to acknowledge their identities while seeking recognition for myself.

The Desire for Authenticity

But don’t think that I don’t long to be seen; I truly do. I wish to be recognized by those I love and even by those who don’t know me yet. Yet, I find it challenging to stop shielding myself from what I believe others shouldn’t know. This realization has been daunting in my journey of self-awareness.

I’m not naive, and I know I won’t perish, but that’s not how my Shell perceives things. When I choose to acknowledge the truth, my Shell loudly declares thoughts like “I’ll lose everything” or “Who am I?” I suspect my Shell may be quite similar to yours. Even if it’s not, that doesn’t matter.

My awareness and its genuine reflection are available if I dare to confront them. I don’t need to uphold a specific image of who I think I am. I empathize with those who find value in the mirror of fantasy, particularly those in the entertainment industry and similar fields. Their mirrors often appear more exaggerated, but at their core, they face the same struggle of finding themselves.

The Journey to Self-Awareness

Awareness is a precious gift that cannot be maintained through illusions. In this pursuit of self-awareness, I often feel vulnerable, yet you may have already seen through my false impressions. Perhaps you have glimpsed the real me—it was just me who was hiding behind the facade. I no longer wish to strike a pose for another photo that depicts how I want to be seen. I’m weary of these staged appearances.

Instead, I want to catch myself in the act of simply being me, rather than trying to be someone I am not. This means I risk the possibility that you might not understand me, or even worse, that you might not like or love me for who I am. I’ve grown tired of fighting to maintain an identity that isn’t true. The reality is, I’ve always been okay; I simply learned to think otherwise.

Understanding this struggle means confronting the nature of the beast within. However, I don’t want to view myself as an enemy. I refuse to engage in this fight. I desire to look at myself honestly. The journey of finding yourself is fraught with challenges, but it is also rewarding.

Embracing Your True Self

As I continue on this path toward self-awareness, I realize that I am both the author of my own story—the fiction and the fantasy—and the creator of my true self. I am learning to embrace who I authentically am, rather than clinging to the illusions that have been imposed upon me. By choosing to see myself clearly, I take the first steps towards liberation from the Shell that has constrained me for so long.

Finding yourself is not merely an act of self-reflection; it is an ongoing journey of discovery. It requires bravery to confront the discomfort of vulnerability and the fears that accompany it. However, in this authenticity lies genuine acceptance—not just from others but from within.

In the end, the key to self-awareness is recognizing that you are enough, just as you are. You do not need to fight for approval or validation from the world around you. Allowing yourself the grace to be seen for your true self is the most liberating choice you can make on your journey to finding yourself.

Breaking free from the Shell offers the promise of deeper connections, authentic relationships, and the joy of simply being who you were meant to be. Embrace this journey, and you will discover the strength that has always been within you.