NATURE OF THE BEAST
There is a truth that every person struggles to see. In simple terms, it is his or her own self.
There is a truth that every person struggles to see. In simple terms, it is his or her own self. This isn’t to say that any person isn’t capacitated to see him or herself; it means that they choose not too. Instead, like a fantasy, fabricated by, but not found in the actual mind, is a concept of self I call the Shell.
The Shell is but another word for ego or id as Freud long ago referenced it. This offers you awareness through identity and separation that you are more than an animal. It also creates the same barrier that you are not God. This is the nature of the beast.
This is not a mistake, nor are you created by poor design. The Shell, through what most believe to be consciousness, allows you to observe yourself. This is well to do, but it has a fundamental flaw, if in this reflection you will not see the truth about yourself. To look in the mirror is indeed a gift but to imagine what you see versus actually seeing what is before you could be seriously funny or sad depending upon your view.
Every day I look in the mirror and recently I’ve wondered if I’m even looking. I look to see my teeth, hair or even if I’m clean. Plenty of times I look to see if, I look good. The mirror answers all of these questions, or so I think, but in fact, I’ve been looking in the mirror for what I want to see.
Through this awareness, my mirror is just the beginning of my imagination. It is like a gateway to fantasy land as it opens the door to anything I want to see. It’s a wonderful place, as I can become anything I want. However, I become annoyed if you look in my mirror and don’t see, or agree to see, what I see.
In my world, I must go to war and fight for this perception. If you don’t see, what I want you to see, then I must protect my perceived identity and myself. Kind of funny, but unfortunately, I have endless battle scars from engaging in what I’ve seriously believed to be life and death battles. Some of my wounds are still bleeding.
It’s Always A Battle
My enemies aren’t citizens from other countries, rather they are my friends, neighbors and family members. This doesn’t make sense but then again from my vanity’s perspective it does. If I can’t convenience my friends, neighbors and family as to who I think I am then no one else will ever believe me. This is unsafe so I fight.
I fight to represent myself as someone I think I am. I think I am constantly forced to make choices I don’t want too, in order to keep my fantasy and even my sanity associated with this illusion. In my mirror, I awake each day in fear I will be seen beyond who I think I am. Ironically, I have created this. I have chosen to live and feed the fantasy of what I should look like.
In my childhood, there were times, when I did look into the mirror honestly. I gave those reflections away to those teaching me their own fantasy so I could become what they wanted me to see. All of it I presumed normal, things such as; “You look just like you’re dad,” “You make me so proud” or “You’re very athletic.” All of this, and much more, is what they needed me to see in order for their Shell and respective fantasies to remain intact.
I guess, like any other child, I used the mirror as I was taught. However, what I didn’t know was how I learned to protect myself from seeing the truth in the mirror. I now understand why, for as I’ve already said, if those before me couldn’t have allegiance to their fantasies of who they’re supposed to be –especially as one of their children– then their whole world would come apart.
I didn’t want to be disruptive, I wanted to be a good boy, and so, I saw what they wanted me to see. I put away my real self in honor that seeing what I was supposed to see was better than seeing the truth. Naturally, this was extended to others who wanted me to join their organization, community or group to recognize them while also allowing myself to be recognized. Not once did I think I could be accepted for who I am without this consideration, so I complied explicitly.
Don’t think that I don’t want to be seen, for I do. I really want to be seen by those I love and even those who haven’t yet met me. But I don’t know how to stop protecting myself from what I felt everyone should not know. This has been the most dangerous part of me to realize.
I’m not foolish and I won’t die but that’s not what my Shell says. For in my choice to see the truth, my Shell trumpets serious thoughts such as; “I’ll loose everything,” “I’m not who I think I am” and then “Who am I?” I expect my Shell is rather similar to yours, if not the same. Even if that weren’t true it doesn’t matter.
My awareness, and its true reflection, can be seen if I dare to look. I don’t have to maintain a certain image of who I think I am. I feel for those, especially in the entertainment industry or other similar fields, which deify this mirror of fantasy. In actuality their mirror is the same as mine with the exception that theirs appear to be more exaggerated.
Aware of the Beast
Being aware is a wonderful gift but it cannot be maintained with reflections of my illusion. I feel vulnerable but you’ve probably already looked past my false impressions. You’ve likely already seen me – it was just me who was hiding. I don’t feel like striking a pose to take another selfie of how I want to be seen. I’m tired of all these shots.
Instead, I’d like to catch myself in action of being me versus trying to be me. This means I risk you not understanding, or worse you not liking or even loving me, as I am. I’m tired of fighting to be something I’m not. I’ll be all right. I always was until I learned otherwise.
I understand this is seeing the nature of the beast. Yet, I don’t want to see myself as an enemy. I don’t want to fight. I want to look honestly at who I am. I am the author of this fiction and fantasy. I am also the creator –which is the real me.