A BEAUTIFUL LIFE
Your mortality isn’t the issue, but this present moment is.
Suzy was beautiful, rich, and very successful. Her life seemed to represent everything she wanted; a perfectly sculpted body, designer dresses, countless boxes of shoes, jewelry, luxury cars, a maid, a good looking husband, and a magnificent home that looked like a museum. Everything was in place; the four car garage, the guest house, her hair and makeup, and all the daily routines. Everyone loved Suzy, well almost everyone.
Suzy could be bossy and was well known for being strong minded and very opinionated. Although it was years ago, I can still remember the very first time I met her. I was prepared for interviewing questions about dating her younger sister Karen. “What do you want to do in life?” was the first question Suzy asked of me while alone in her kitchen. “Let’s get directly to the point…” I responded “You want to know if I am good enough to be dating your sister” I said. Flabbergasted, she turned in full attention and stuttered “I didn’t mean that…” “Yes, you did” and then I proceeded to answer her question.
Masking Her True Self
Even back then I realized how easy it was for me to see inside her. It was very rare because of all the barriers that were in place to prevent such intimate entry. However, even before my formal acknowledgment of my gifts of spiritual awareness, I could see Suzy. I could see her as she truly was. I knew her. I knew her from the start. She masked her true self in an outward façade that was often strong and even intimidating. It didn’t matter, I could see her.
It wasn’t my place to reveal Suzy’s secrets and thus for years I was tested to see if I would keep in confidence those things I knew about her. I kept quiet. Many times I felt myself being reflected in her strong outward appearance. She was bold and confident but inwardly unaware of her own self, this too is probably why I felt a connection with her.
It seems like yesterday but it was years ago when Karen and I lay in the California sun out by the pool with Suzy. In an uncommon burst of truth in the middle of trivial conversation Suzy said “I can’t imagine living past 40.” Both Karen and I bolted up in attention. Maybe it was the wine cooler or maybe the sun was really hot but Suzy never opened up like this. Both of us responded immediately. “Is something wrong?” we asked jointly. “No, I just don’t feel like I will live long.” Suzy said matter of fact. “That’s why I don’t care how much sun I get” as she smiled transferring the attention jokingly to her already dark olive skin. That was it. All our questions as to why she felt this way went unanswered.
What Was Wrong?
Some time went by, and in another rare moment, Suzy opened up behind closed doors and said “My life is all f***ed up.” Obviously, something was wrong as well-built walls began to break and tears ran from her big swollen eyes. Then Suzy immediately caught herself and quickly put the shields of armor back in place to keep everything hidden. “I am alright” she said quickly. “Everything is going to be alright” and she wiped the tears from her face quickly removing any trace of the outburst of emotion.
Almost twelve months later, during her 37th year, Suzy was off to the gym for an early morning workout. During the middle of her routine weight lifting session, Suzy said “my head feels funny” just before collapsing to the ground. In heap of beautiful flesh Suzy remained deadly still on the gym floor as emergency help was summoned. Suzy was immediately taken by ambulance to the local hospital. And as she was being transported word of her accident began to spread.
Our call came directly from Suzy’s husband within the same hour of the accident and within another two hours Karen had flown from Phoenix to LAX in route to the hospital where Suzy laid in an officially undiagnosed condition. After entering the busy hospital room it only took Karen a minute to see her sister’s body and realize that Suzy’s spirit had already passed. Later a Doctor’s CAT scan would reveal the massive blood vessel that burst in Suzy’s head. Technically Suzy was brain dead. But Suzy’s body would probably remain functioning for years, with the aid of artificial life support equipment, because of her superb physical fitness. The family was consulted with Suzy’s husband ultimately deciding to pull the plug from the life support systems that kept her body alive. Shortly thereafter, the noisy life aiding equipment stopped and within minutes Suzy’s body quietly quit.
One minute Suzy was alive and the next she was gone. I was stunned. Days later, it was surreal as we sat outside on the green grass in the front row as her funeral began. I remained motionless with my head down trying to constrain the emotions I felt. After the eulogy, everyone passed by the family to share their love, grief and sorrow for Suzy. As the procession passed, one by one I could see Suzy’s soul reflecting in each person’s eyes. My tears increased and I cried and cried out load in a way that even surprised me. Even now as I write this 11 years after Suzy’s death I still feel the tears of love swell in my eyes for her.
Suzy’s funeral was huge according to the funeral director. He hadn’t seen one that large in years and commented that Suzy must have touched many with her love. This makes me cry the hardest especially now because Suzy never saw what I saw. You see everyone loved Suzy, almost everyone. Suzy never chose to love herself. She spent countless hours helping other people, gave generously in her donations to the community and served endlessly in ways that weren’t seen.
Loving Yourself Matters
You can’t blame Suzy she was never taught that it was okay to love herself. Her parents couldn’t teach it because it wasn’t taught to them. Her Church didn’t teach it because self love threatened their core religious doctrines. Society didn’t teach her either because so many believe self love is considered selfish. Loving yourself wasn’t allowed. Ultimately this imbalance created a disharmony in Suzy’s body so significant that her strong body had to quit. And it did.
How do I know? Suzy came first to speak through me from “the dead” to openly talk to her sister Karen about many aspects of her life. This too I remember like yesterday as I channeled Suzy for Karen in an intimate dialog lasting over three hours. Suzy “came back” to open up and share things that she didn’t share during her physical life. It was overwhelming. She came back again to love, encourage and teach us to love ourselves.
Initially, I too didn’t understand. It was like a foreign language I could hear the sounds the utterance and even repeat the words but to love myself was… the very last thing I was taught to do. Suzy not loving herself manifested in very strong ways. Her never being content, not being happy, always feeling alone, not feeling understood, not being in truth, creating addictions through alcohol and shopping, not allowing anyone close to her and most of all not being really loved. Really loved.
Suzy didn’t have to die to remember self love and then to share it with those who would listen. But that’s what she did. What about you? Are you dying to know; the secret to this life?, your purpose?, your mission?, your spiritual connection?, your soul mate? And yet how can this occur absent of your loving yourself? Consider your life. Just take one minute. Your mortality isn’t the issue but this present moment is. Consider your beautiful life.